Wednesday, April 20, 2005

It’s raining very hard in Champaign, Illinois. Normally, the opening speeches take place outdoors, but now it’s standing room only in the immaculate home of the President of the University of Illinois. Unfortunately, I’m not standing in the room. I’m also too lazy to jump up and down like a nine-year-old at a parade. So, it looks like I’m going to have to just make things up. Here’s the disclaimer: The following never happened. That being said, Roger just announced his candidacy for president of the United States in 2008. Running on a platform that champions the elimination of poverty, bad television, tall people, and small car parking spaces, he asserts that he’s a man of the people. Whispers around the room breed speculation that his running mate will not be Richard Roeper but will in fact be the guy who played Willie on Alf. Then the rumors were confirmed, and yes, he referred to him as “the guy who played Willie on Alf.” Didn’t see that one coming. After his speech, he proudly held up a sign which read boldly “Don’t be silly, Ebert and Willie, 2008.”

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